My favorite takeaways from "How to Know a Person"

Written for citizens, it has a lot to offer parents, too.

While I suspected I’d love David Brooks’ newest book, How to Know a Person, I didn’t expect to take away quite so much parenting wisdom.

Written for citizens of all stripes, David doesn’t often make the connection to parenting, or use parenting examples, in the book itself. And yes, I absolutely tucked away nuggets that I’ll put to use in my marriage and my relationships at work, with friends, and with extended family. But as I made my way through his book, and then again as I went back through my highlights, I couldn’t help but notice the many takeaways for those of us who hope to be connected parents.

I want to share some of them here, because while we talk a lot about minimizing technology in this newsletter, it’s not simply for the sake of living a low-tech life—a low-tech life is not a good in and of itself. Instead, we fight to keep tech in its place so that the best things in life can flourish, and especially the very best thing: deep, loving relationships. With this book, David has given me a few new tools for my toolkit, and I’d love to pass them on to you.

(And know that these are in no particular order, and just four of many I could share! Read the whole book yourself! :))

1. Cultivate an Illuminator’s gaze.

At the beginning of the book, David differentiates between Diminishers, Illuminators, and the rest of us. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. Illuminators, on the other hand, “shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.” He describes what it’s like to encounter an Illuminator: “You meet someone who seems wholly interested in you, who gets you, who helps you name and see things in yourself that maybe you hadn’t even yet put into words, and you become a better version of yourself.”

What a beautiful picture of a parent that would be, yes? Though not many of us live up to this ideal all the time (me included!), there’s good news: David argues that Illuminators are not born, they “have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others.” His whole book is an attempt to teach the rest of us these skills. Some of his lessons are tiny and simple, while others are big-picture and take years of effort to master.

One small place I’m starting: the quality of my gaze. David prompted me to reconsider how I look at people, and to actively make my gaze one that is warm, respectful, and admiring:

“When you’re practicing Illuminationism, you’re offering a gaze that says, ‘I want to get to know you and be known by you.’ It’s a gaze that positively answers the question everybody is unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: ‘Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?’ The answers to those questions are conveyed in your gaze before they are conveyed by your words.”

Though I’ve known my children their whole lives, that’s the kind of gaze I want to turn on them, answering those vulnerable questions in the affirmative each day.

Of course, it goes without saying that before we can focus on the quality of our gaze, the first step is to simply look up from our screens and gaze at each other at all.

2. Lead others toward the positive.

As David continues to lay out the qualities of an Illuminator — tenderness, receptivity, active curiosity, affection, generosity — he introduces us to a therapist who taught him to see others “sympathetically, as those who are doing the best they can.” In doing so, the therapist asks questions that are intended to steer her patients toward the positive: “Isn’t it time you forgave yourself for that? When you and your parents are close again, what will you want them to understand about this time in your life?”

I know I’ll walk my children through many sticky situations in the years to come, and the idea of framing my questions with a generous, positive spirit — assuming the best of them and the future — is appealing to me.

3. Let others shine.

One simple way to do it? Offer them an opportunity to share something of value. “Sometimes,” David notes in his chapter on conversation, “a broad, dumb question is better than a smart question, especially one meant to display how well-informed you are.”

As parents, it’s easy to feel like we’re the ones with all the answers — but asking questions puts us in a posture of humility. It shows our children we’re willing to learn.

And playing slightly dumb with our kids lets them step into a more active role, prods them to consider the bigger picture. My kids love to explain things they know more about than me — and a simple question to which I already know the answer often leads to a much deeper destination.

4. Learn to accompany others.

After covering the Illuminator’s gaze, David devotes a chapter to “accompaniment,” which he defines as “an other-centered way of moving through life.” It’s walking through the daily routines of everyday life with the goal of getting to know the people around you more and more, not to simply maximize efficiency and productivity. “When you’re accompanying someone,” he writes, “you’re in a state of relaxed awareness — attentive and sensitive and unhurried.  … You’re there to be of help, a faithful presence, open to whatever may come.”

This description stood out to me, because it’s both very challenging to move this way when you have kinds — and at the same time, a profoundly beautiful “way of being,” especially when you have kids. After all, most of the time we have as families is “the daily routines of everyday life.” Instead of attempting to get ahead of every situation and conversation, to control every outcome, I’m inspired to more often be attentive, sensitive, unhurried — a faithful presence for the kids I love so very much.

“Being open-hearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind, and wise human being. But it is not enough. People need social skills. … The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community [or growing a connected family!] involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s post of view.”

I’m grateful to David for gently reminding us of the need for these skills — to (re)learn them ourselves and to pass them on to our kids — and offering them up in such a wise, kind way. You can find How to Know a Person right here, if you’d like! xo

---

Would you consider sharing this newsletter?

Almost 100% of my newsletter growth comes from recommendations from readers. Chances are that if you made it this far, you care about kids and technology and know others who would enjoy The Connected Family. Taking just a few moments to click the heart button, leave a comment, or forward it to a friend can make a huge difference. Thank you! ❤️