Talking to your kids about porn with Greta Eskridge

It can feel scary, but we must do it.

We’ve covered a lot in our year and a half together, including a few sensitive topics: I’m thinking of what to do when your child’s friend gets a phone, how to build a community of other families delaying personal tech, how to protect family margin, what to do when you and your spouse disagree about phone usage, and how to hold onto our own attention spans, for starters.

There’s one topic, though, that we haven’t yet touched on, even though it’s been on my mind since the beginning: porn. And it’s about time we did, because of all the reasons families choose to delay technology, I’d say this is near the top.

We want to shield our kids from damaging digital experiences and give them the best chance to grow into sexually whole adults, but so often, we don’t know how to do it. We feel paralyzed by the horror stories of how sadistic porn has become, how easy it is for unsuspecting kids to stumble upon it.¹

And so we do nothing, telling ourselves that we’re protecting their innocence… but in reality, leaving them vulnerable and unprotected, because the stats tell us it’s not a matter of if our kids will be exposed to porn, but when.²

If you’re already feeling sweaty, I’m right there with you. And that’s why I’m so grateful to have mom and author Greta Eskridge joining us today! At my request, she graciously transformed into a fairy godmother advice columnist for the day, answering my very-real questions about how to talk to kids about porn in a way I hope can benefit us all. Here and in her new book It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn, Greta shares practical language for age-appropriate, hope-filled conversations that will help our kids stay safe in a tech-filled world. It doesn’t have to be as scary as we think.

Let’s get to it!

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Dear Greta,

My children are 9, 6, and 3. None of them have personal devices (tablets, phones, computers) or access to them. (The older two do have school-issued Chrome books that they only use at school.) So far, none of their playdate friends have free access to personal devices, either. We're lucky, I know! But I fear this insulation has led to a bit of a false sense of security, as I know they could still encounter porn at any time. (This is my life's work! I know the stats for average first exposure!)

In our favor: we've had many drip, drip, drip conversations over the years about sex and body parts (thank you, Birds & Bees!), so everyone knows what sex is, how it happens, and the basics of our family values around it.

Also, when our daughter went to sleepaway camp for the first time last summer, we talked in general terms with the older two about how to advocate for yourself (and situations in which you might need to), how to find a safe adult, and the importance of sticking with the group and not being alone with a counselor or a single other camper.

But! Then — and now — I feel very aware of the fine line we're walking between equipping our kids and scaring them. Right now they are innocent, and trusting, and curious, and their view of the world is that it is generally good. I don't want to sow seeds that might make them believe the world is a bad and scary place, filled with dangers and evildoers. Also, as kids who hardly use computers at all — and basically never on their own — I don't even know if they'd have context for something like "Googling" or internet porn?!

A final example of my prevaricating: I bought both this book and this book months ago, but they've been gathering dust in our closet. I can't bring myself to crack them open with the kids.

Greta, help! I know we need to be doing more, but I'm just not sure what. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

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Dear Emily,

First, let me say how proud I am of you for the proactive way you are approaching these challenging topics with your kids. Well done, mama! Even as you admit the concern and inadequacy you feel in this area, you’re still engaging in conversation together on tricky topics. That is the first and biggest hurdle to get over — and you’ve done it! You’re on your way to providing your children with the tools and knowledge they need to make safe and wise decisions in the tech world.

Now let’s talk about the concerns you still have.

First, insulating your kids from full and unfettered access to technology in the younger years is a really wise choice! Most first-time exposure to pornography happens accidentally. It could happen when a child does an innocent internet search for a cartoon character they want to draw or a word they overheard, or when they click on a pop-up ad while playing an age-appropriate game. By limiting their access to screens in your home you are helping to reduce the chance of that happening.

However, since they’re growing up and living more and more life out in the world, they do have the chance of being exposed to pornography in other ways. At summer camp, for example, when another camper could invite them to look at something on their phone. Or with a school-issued ChromeBook, when a classmate sends out porn to the whole class. It seems unimaginable, but yes, this happens even in elementary school. This is the reality of the world our kids are growing up in. And it means we must prepare them for what to do if they stumble across pornography, wherever and whenever it might happen.

Giving our kids a plan for what to do if they accidentally see pornography doesn’t mean sitting them down to have a Very Scary Conversation. Instead, think of yourself as equipping them with what they need to stay safe in a digital world. Just like you taught them to carefully cross the street or not to touch a hot stove, giving them a digital safety plan is another way you can keep them safe from dangers they might encounter. Not only will these tools help keep them safe, but they’ll help them feel empowered, too.

That first conversation about how to respond if they see inappropriate images on a screen could be as simple as this:

“Hey sweetie, I need to tell you about something called pornography. Pornography is something that is bad for our bodies, our brains, and our hearts and it’s my job to protect you from it, just like I protect you from other things. Pornography is pictures or movies of people with no clothes on and showing their private parts. We don’t show our private parts to other people, and we don’t look at other people’s private parts, so we know pornography is something we should not be looking at.

If you ever see those kinds of pictures or movies on a computer, a tablet, or a phone, or if someone tries to show them to you, here’s what you need to do. You simply look away, shut the computer, turn over the phone, or turn off the tablet. If someone is trying to show it to you, you use your strongest voice and you say, ‘I don’t want to look at that.’ And then you just walk away. Walk away from the screen you were on or walk away from the person. Then go and tell Mom or Dad or another safe grown up what you saw. You won’t be in trouble. We want you to tell us what happened because talking about it is one of the ways we keep you safe.”

That’s all you have to say! See how easy it is? There’s no need to mention sex or give elementary schoolers all kinds of details. They need the least amount of information to keep them the most safe.

Then, over the months and years to come, you’ll keep having these conversations. You’ll check in and see if they remember what to do if they see pornography. And as they get older and they need more information, you’ll give them that as it’s needed, just a little bit at a time. The most important thing you can do, though, is to keep talking to your kids about these topics! They need to know you are a safe place to come to with questions, concerns, and even confessions. And by continuing to have these conversations with them, you are showing them that you are, indeed, that safe place.

The above script and excerpt are both from my book It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn. The book is full of practical, actionable tips for parents who know they need to talk to their kids about pornography but don’t know how to start. I wrote this script (and many more!) to give parents the words for conversations about pornography whether their kids are 8, 12, or 18. It also covers all kinds of other topics related to online safety, sexual health and wholeness, and helping our kids develop a sexual ethic that is not filled with shame and fear but with respect, integrity, and hope.

You can supplement my book and the conversations I recommend with the books you mentioned, but remember that there is no such thing as “porn proofing” anyone. The reality of the world we live in is that almost all of us will be exposed to some form of explicit material and/or pornography at some point. Our task, therefore, is to help our kids step away from that material as quickly and safely as possible, and to not return to it. Talking with them honestly and frequently, and reminding them we are a safe place for of all their questions, concerns, and mistakes, is the best gift we can give them as they grow up in this digital world.

Parenting with you in joy,
Greta

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Whew! Even just the idea of wrapping a discussion of pornography into a larger conversation about digital safety makes it feel instantly less sensitive, don’t you think? I’m already brainstorming what other concepts might go in a “tech toolkit” that’s appropriate for our kids at their ages, and thinking we’ll introduce the idea when we pick back up with TTT in the fall.

And to Greta, thank you for this guest post and for all of your tireless work to bring information and hope to parents everywhere! You can find her newest book right here, on Instagram here, and a few other places to find her below. I also recommend listening to this interview with Greta on the Coffee + Crumbs podcast!

Greta Eskridge cares deeply about creating connection, preserving childhood and chasing joy. She is the host of the popular Greta Eskridge Podcast, and the author of Adventuring Together, 100 Days of Adventure³, and It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn.

Greta is a second-generation home-schooling mom of two young adults and two teens, and a wife of nearly 30 years to her husband Aaron. Some of Greta’s happiest moments are spent exploring nature, drinking coffee, and laughing with her friends. Greta loves sharing her story and hearing yours!

Friends, I’d love to hear: is this a topic you worry about? Is it one you’re comfortable discussing with your kids? Let’s discuss below. xo

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1. For example, 56% of eighth graders say that it’s easy to “bump into” inappropriate content while doing homework, according to one study.

2. The average first age of exposure is in the elementary school years, according to almost every study.

3. June, age 9, owns and loves this book!