Here's when NOT to give your child a phone

One small shift can make a huge difference

My kids are 9, 7, and 4. While I cannot yet say when, exactly, they will receive a phone, I can say exactly when they will not: on their birthdays. On Christmas. Or on any other occasion that could traditionally be understood as a gifting opportunity.

This is not because I am a Scrooge, and it was not always thus. Earlier on, it seemed natural to me to give a phone on a significant birthday, because I believed (and still do, to a certain extent) in linking phone ownership to age. I’ve now come to see, however, that linking phone ownership to age is completely different than linking phone ownership to a birthday.

Let me explain.

Rather than a distinction without a difference, I believe this quibble over the calendar is actually emphatically meaningful.

When a phone is wrapped and handed over on a gift-giving occasion, piled beside a pair of jeans and a new basketball and the next book in a favorite series, it will naturally be received as a gift. Just like the jeans and the basketball and the book, the child will understand it to be their new possession: something they have ownership over, something that belongs to them.

Yes, this will be true even if you have them sign a phone-use contract. It will be true even if you clearly lay out the family rules. It will be true even if you explain that the phone actually belongs to you, the parents, despite the fact that you just tied it with a bow and pressed it into their hand.

Uncoupling the phone hand-off from gift giving is such a sticking point to me because I believe a child’s phone should always be understood as a tool owned by the parents, offered to the child at a time when it would make the family’s life easier, smoother, more joyful.¹ It is a tool that can be recalled if trust is broken, if it’s being ill-used, or if it simply is not serving the family’s best interests. While it’s certainly not impossible to repossess a phone that’s been given as a gift, you can understand how it would be harder, right? Would likely be met with more anger, hurt, confusion?

Similar to a keystone habit, a small action that triggers a ripple effect of other positive habits, I consider shifting the date you give a phone a keystone decision. Of course it’s possible to give a phone as a gift and have it be a peaceful, problem-free addition to the family; neither is giving a phone on a random Tuesday a fool-proof way to avoid power struggles. This small shift, however, can go a long way toward establishing a sturdy foundation of shared understanding about what a phone is and is not right from the start.

For example, privacy. If the phone belongs to the parents, an expectation that they will be able to review messages and control which apps are downloaded makes sense. If the phone is understood to be the possession of the child, they’re naturally going to feel more protective over who can see it.²

This goes for any other boundary about where the phone is used, when it is used, or how it is used. Viewing the phone as a tool from the beginning instead of a beloved personal possession establishes a foundational shared understanding, one that will pay dividends over the next few years.

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This newsletter was inspired by a photo I spotted on Facebook of an acquaintance’s daughter opening up on iPhone on her 12th birthday. It broke my heart a bit, not only because of the girl’s age, but because I fear the date on which it was given will make things harder for their family than they would have been otherwise.

I don’t think most families knowingly choose the more challenging road. (It’s hard enough to teach a teen to use a phone responsibly!) While most of us know the age at which a phone is given is important, we don’t all understand that the date on which it’s given is important, too. I didn’t. But now I do, and I’m eager to pass it on, especially in this gifting season.

So give a phone when you will. Give it at 13 or 14 or 15 or 16 — but give it at the start of the school year. Give it at the opening of a sports season. Give it on a random Tuesday. Hand it over across a kitchen table that’s just been cleared from a weeknight dinner, not festively strewn with brightly-patterned paper and slices of cake. And remember: better than a wrapped iPhone is the gift of a more peaceful path ahead.

What do you think, friends? Am I the biggest killjoy ever?? Do you remember when you got your first phone? I’d love to hear!

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1. This is not to say that there’s no consideration given to what would make the child’s life easier, smoother, more joyful—the child is part of the family!—but that we’re widening the lens to consider its impact on all members of the family, not just the one who will use the phone most often.

2. Families, of course, can have different opinions about what level of privacy a child should have on a phone, but no matter where you land, it will be easier to enforce with a shared understanding of ownership.