I love this post and it resonates so deeply. We moved to a new state with no family or friends 2.5 years ago … We had no village for a while but I will never forget being 9 months pregnant with my second child and a kind older lady from church giving me her phone number and telling me to call her at any hour of the night if I went into labor so that she could come stay with our first born. She knew we didn’t have a village and she selflessly stepped up. That was the beginning of us making our village within our church, and though it took much longer than I had hoped for, the people we found there are now the best part of our life here!
Oof. We moved cities to a place we knew no one in 2017 and then in 2022 we moved back to the city where we grew up. I found a really great village (and friends) in the city I knew no one. And now 3 years later in the city I grew up, I have my mom and dad who are so helpful and reliable and amazing but have been struggling to make friends. I think one huge barrier to this is not having contact information for my son's classmates. We have a couple families on our street that we play with now and again, which are part of the village, but its not consistent or regular. I'd be willing to set something up regularly, however there is no one night of the week that everyone is free. I'm hoping to do some pool playdates over the summer with the two families.
Oh man, this is a good one. I remember clearly that on our second military assignment, our first overseas, I felt so alone and realized that if I wanted a local village, I needed to do the work. Military families (especially the career families that are in for long stretches, which wasn't me) are an incredible model for creating the village, wherever you are, and quickly. The frequent moves and separation from family members force you to move past the feelings of awkwardness and dive into relationships, lean into the gaps that often sisters and mothers fill if they are nearby, and always show up with a meal when things get hard.
Yes, we have so much to learn from military families about building a village tout de suite! Also, in my family's experience, the military provides some really helpful structure for village-building that might not have an analogy these days for civilians.
Yes! I love this topic and think about it all the time. My family moved to NC when I was 5 - fully away from any village my parents had. But over the past 35 years as "early" transplants to the area we have collectively built a huge village here in NC - as the oldest of 5 kids with a mom in particular who was very active at church and volunteering at our schools and then our friend groups over the years I run into people I know or have a connection to constantly! And the same thing happens to my siblings and their spouses (it also helps to have a very unique maiden name) All of this is to say - I have a big village between having a lot of family in the area now and a large group of friends both from growing up and then from attending grad school in the area and from the parents of friends my kids have made. (our daycare parent friends in particular as some of my most dear village these days even though my kids have moved on to regular k-12!) As a result - I try really hard to be a good villager to people in these groups who are more recent transplants to the area because I know how long it took for my family to build this giant village and I also know how wonderful it is to have a long list of friends and family available to me when I need support. So I try to sign up the meal train, offer to take the kids for an afternoon so the parents can get things done they want to (or just want a break!), invite people over for big gatherings or small gatherings to hang out in person, be the person on call when my pregnant friends need someone to watch their older kids if they go into labor, etc etc. It makes my kids world bigger and it makes me happy! It also keeps us so busy - our weekends are packed with activities with friends and family so that we aren't just sitting at home on screens. And it models to my kids that being out and active in community is a good thing that is fun - being among others brings joy!
I am sure you are an incredible village dweller, friend ❤️ After growing up and then moving away from a small town, it is fun to now feel (15ish years into living in NC) that I will almost surely see someone I know when I'm out and about on errands - even in a big town!
I’ve seen a number of posts lately on social that say something like, “everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager”. I do think there is some truth there. While we may not intentionally think that, there are so many barriers to “being a villager” like the ones you listed here. Fear, social awkwardness, time constraints, etc. It has been pushing me a bit more lately to try to find ways to show up for others - i recently approached a mom I just can’t ever seem to really connect with in conversation and offered to bring a meal since they just had a new baby. I felt SO awkward and was really worried about my time with working full time but it was so well received and hopefully helpful to their family. As my kiddos are approaching the end of elementary school and increasing independence it suddenly feels like the village is shifting and there is a lot to learn
per usual, I love this post! When I was 7 my family moved to Arizona, across the country from all of our extended family. Because of this and because a lot of people in the 90s in Arizona were some sort of transplant I saw my parents and the parents of my friends very intentionally build community around us. Growing up I hated that we lived across the country from my extended family, but now I see the benefits that came from it. The fact that our village was more than my extended family totally shaped who I am for the better and the way I parent, what I want for my kids, and hopefully in turn how I am a village to others. I totally agree that creating a village takes work, and I am grateful I saw that work in action, especially through my mom because I think many people haven't been witness to the actual work, vulnerability and effort it takes. I am really adamant that my kids know our neighbors and that we play in our front yard so they can do that (at their current ages this takes more eye watching because of cars driving by than if they were in the backyard), that I take them grocery shopping with me (which I have commented about before!) so they see people in their community (this takes more work than ordering groceries online), that we are strong in our choice of daycare so they are loved and taught by others, that we invest in our neighborhood, our church, my work place (a university that is very community driven) so that they have a sense of belonging to all these places. All of this takes extra work where technology could "make it easier" or where I am "dropping the ball" on something else so that I am present in doing these things. But I have faith it is beneficial in the long run. And, at the same time, as a person who works in the gender equity space, I would be remiss to not validate the commenter's thoughts on a failing system. We totally need policy change and a cultural shift to support parents, especially working mothers. What I love about this post is that both things can be true! We can fight for those changes while also doing our own part to create the village we need right now.
I love reading about your childhood and the village that raised you and thinking of the same for mine. I am about to move to a new city and have been thinking of this a lot, especially because there is a village here that I am going to dearly miss.
I remember when I moved to our house 12 years ago on a cul de sac romantically envisioning a cozy tight community of neighbors. I was so discouraged the first three years that everyone just went in their garages and I still didn't know anyone! I realized if I wanted that community, I needed to create it. It has taken years, but I am happy to say that envisioned community has came to life. We have a group text between the ladies in the hood and share life updates and yard supplies and recipes. We watch each others' kids when needed and are the first to offer items to each other that we are about to donate. We started a supper club that meets on a quarterly basis.
It came about very slowly, but there were probably four main things that really helped. First was just being outside a lot. Secondly was getting phone numbers. This is where tech really shines! I have grown so much closer to my neighbors after creating a group text and connecting other neighbors together. The third thing is dropping off treats. We have given away flowers that were multiplying in our backyard, an extra loaf of banana bread, and we always give out Christmas cookies. And finally, being vulnerable enough to ask for help. People want to feel needed! I'm taking these things with me as we start fresh in a new place, knowing that the village takes a lot of time, but so worth it!
I love this post and it resonates so deeply. We moved to a new state with no family or friends 2.5 years ago … We had no village for a while but I will never forget being 9 months pregnant with my second child and a kind older lady from church giving me her phone number and telling me to call her at any hour of the night if I went into labor so that she could come stay with our first born. She knew we didn’t have a village and she selflessly stepped up. That was the beginning of us making our village within our church, and though it took much longer than I had hoped for, the people we found there are now the best part of our life here!
Seeing a need and meeting it - something I'm trying to train myself to do better every day! Thank you for sharing, Lindsay! ❤️
Oof. We moved cities to a place we knew no one in 2017 and then in 2022 we moved back to the city where we grew up. I found a really great village (and friends) in the city I knew no one. And now 3 years later in the city I grew up, I have my mom and dad who are so helpful and reliable and amazing but have been struggling to make friends. I think one huge barrier to this is not having contact information for my son's classmates. We have a couple families on our street that we play with now and again, which are part of the village, but its not consistent or regular. I'd be willing to set something up regularly, however there is no one night of the week that everyone is free. I'm hoping to do some pool playdates over the summer with the two families.
Oh man, this is a good one. I remember clearly that on our second military assignment, our first overseas, I felt so alone and realized that if I wanted a local village, I needed to do the work. Military families (especially the career families that are in for long stretches, which wasn't me) are an incredible model for creating the village, wherever you are, and quickly. The frequent moves and separation from family members force you to move past the feelings of awkwardness and dive into relationships, lean into the gaps that often sisters and mothers fill if they are nearby, and always show up with a meal when things get hard.
Yes, we have so much to learn from military families about building a village tout de suite! Also, in my family's experience, the military provides some really helpful structure for village-building that might not have an analogy these days for civilians.
Yes! I love this topic and think about it all the time. My family moved to NC when I was 5 - fully away from any village my parents had. But over the past 35 years as "early" transplants to the area we have collectively built a huge village here in NC - as the oldest of 5 kids with a mom in particular who was very active at church and volunteering at our schools and then our friend groups over the years I run into people I know or have a connection to constantly! And the same thing happens to my siblings and their spouses (it also helps to have a very unique maiden name) All of this is to say - I have a big village between having a lot of family in the area now and a large group of friends both from growing up and then from attending grad school in the area and from the parents of friends my kids have made. (our daycare parent friends in particular as some of my most dear village these days even though my kids have moved on to regular k-12!) As a result - I try really hard to be a good villager to people in these groups who are more recent transplants to the area because I know how long it took for my family to build this giant village and I also know how wonderful it is to have a long list of friends and family available to me when I need support. So I try to sign up the meal train, offer to take the kids for an afternoon so the parents can get things done they want to (or just want a break!), invite people over for big gatherings or small gatherings to hang out in person, be the person on call when my pregnant friends need someone to watch their older kids if they go into labor, etc etc. It makes my kids world bigger and it makes me happy! It also keeps us so busy - our weekends are packed with activities with friends and family so that we aren't just sitting at home on screens. And it models to my kids that being out and active in community is a good thing that is fun - being among others brings joy!
I am sure you are an incredible village dweller, friend ❤️ After growing up and then moving away from a small town, it is fun to now feel (15ish years into living in NC) that I will almost surely see someone I know when I'm out and about on errands - even in a big town!
I’ve seen a number of posts lately on social that say something like, “everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager”. I do think there is some truth there. While we may not intentionally think that, there are so many barriers to “being a villager” like the ones you listed here. Fear, social awkwardness, time constraints, etc. It has been pushing me a bit more lately to try to find ways to show up for others - i recently approached a mom I just can’t ever seem to really connect with in conversation and offered to bring a meal since they just had a new baby. I felt SO awkward and was really worried about my time with working full time but it was so well received and hopefully helpful to their family. As my kiddos are approaching the end of elementary school and increasing independence it suddenly feels like the village is shifting and there is a lot to learn
Feeling the fear and doing it anyway - good for you!!
per usual, I love this post! When I was 7 my family moved to Arizona, across the country from all of our extended family. Because of this and because a lot of people in the 90s in Arizona were some sort of transplant I saw my parents and the parents of my friends very intentionally build community around us. Growing up I hated that we lived across the country from my extended family, but now I see the benefits that came from it. The fact that our village was more than my extended family totally shaped who I am for the better and the way I parent, what I want for my kids, and hopefully in turn how I am a village to others. I totally agree that creating a village takes work, and I am grateful I saw that work in action, especially through my mom because I think many people haven't been witness to the actual work, vulnerability and effort it takes. I am really adamant that my kids know our neighbors and that we play in our front yard so they can do that (at their current ages this takes more eye watching because of cars driving by than if they were in the backyard), that I take them grocery shopping with me (which I have commented about before!) so they see people in their community (this takes more work than ordering groceries online), that we are strong in our choice of daycare so they are loved and taught by others, that we invest in our neighborhood, our church, my work place (a university that is very community driven) so that they have a sense of belonging to all these places. All of this takes extra work where technology could "make it easier" or where I am "dropping the ball" on something else so that I am present in doing these things. But I have faith it is beneficial in the long run. And, at the same time, as a person who works in the gender equity space, I would be remiss to not validate the commenter's thoughts on a failing system. We totally need policy change and a cultural shift to support parents, especially working mothers. What I love about this post is that both things can be true! We can fight for those changes while also doing our own part to create the village we need right now.
Love how you articulated these sacrifices-that-turn-into-bright-spots. So much of parenting is that way!
I love reading about your childhood and the village that raised you and thinking of the same for mine. I am about to move to a new city and have been thinking of this a lot, especially because there is a village here that I am going to dearly miss.
I remember when I moved to our house 12 years ago on a cul de sac romantically envisioning a cozy tight community of neighbors. I was so discouraged the first three years that everyone just went in their garages and I still didn't know anyone! I realized if I wanted that community, I needed to create it. It has taken years, but I am happy to say that envisioned community has came to life. We have a group text between the ladies in the hood and share life updates and yard supplies and recipes. We watch each others' kids when needed and are the first to offer items to each other that we are about to donate. We started a supper club that meets on a quarterly basis.
It came about very slowly, but there were probably four main things that really helped. First was just being outside a lot. Secondly was getting phone numbers. This is where tech really shines! I have grown so much closer to my neighbors after creating a group text and connecting other neighbors together. The third thing is dropping off treats. We have given away flowers that were multiplying in our backyard, an extra loaf of banana bread, and we always give out Christmas cookies. And finally, being vulnerable enough to ask for help. People want to feel needed! I'm taking these things with me as we start fresh in a new place, knowing that the village takes a lot of time, but so worth it!