'The Anxious Generation': 4 Norms to Adopt Now

My takeaways from Jonathan Haidt's new book

I spend a lot of time thinking—and now writing—about how John and I can raise kids who thrive in a technology-saturated world, and help others to do the same. I’m a naturally optimistic person, regularly telling anyone who will listen that I believe the tide is turning and that assumptions about kids, smartphones, and social media will look very different by the time my own kids get to middle and high school.

But still—choosing a low-screen lifestyle can feel lonely, and the idea of changing norms and reversing trends at the school, community, and population level can feel overwhelming.

In his book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt (of

After Babel

) argues that it’s exactly this feeling of powerlessness and despair among parents—this sense that it’s too late to make big changes—that we need to overcome before we can hope to move the needle, individually and collectively.

If you’re someone who struggles to feel like change is possible, take heart: watching the reception of this book has been one of the most hope-filled things I’ve seen in a while. Yes, it has not been without controversy, as some of Jon’s colleagues continue to debate the data and his conclusions (which he, and others, have painstakingly and kindly rebutted). But to see it soar to #1 on the New York Times bestseller list (and stay there for a month and counting!) and—better yet—to see friends and acquaintances reading it, sharing it, and expressing resolve to delay smartphones and social media for their own kids… well, it’s made me incredibly happy and hopeful. I hope it does the same for you.

Today, I wanted to share a few of my takeaways and discuss them with you all. And if you haven’t yet read Jon’s book, don’t miss the giveaway at the end! :)

The Anxious Generation opens with a painstaking deep dive into the data on Gen Z’s mental health. With charts and graphs in tow, he shows how the introduction of smartphones (and their apps) between 2010 and 2015 is largely to blame for children’s spiking rates of anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicide—what he describes as “a surge in suffering.”

Of course, there are undoubtedly other factors at play here, but Jon points out that these trends are mirrored in major Anglo and Nordic countries and that no other factor, such as school shootings, politics, or financial crises, can effectively explain the trend. This is the part of the book that seems the most controversial, with some researchers arguing the data is correlational rather than causal or that the effect size is too small to be meaningful. (Put a pin in this idea, because we’re going to come back to it.)

After the opening data dive, The Anxious Generation is divided into three main sections.

In the first, he lays out the importance of free play for healthy development—and the risks when it’s crowded out by overprotection in the real world and underprotection in the digital world (a brilliant summation of the world we live in right now). Play and thoughtful real-world experiences help us take necessary risks (which are often protective from things like anxiety over the long term), connect with others, develop physical and social skills, and find meaning as we grow. 

In the second section, Haidt sketches the rise of the “phone-based childhood.” He details four foundational harms—social deprivation, sleep deprivation, attention fragmentation, and addiction—that can result from the hours kids and teens spend on digital devices. He then takes a closer look at trends for girls and boys, which differ but are both alarming.

In the third and final section, Haidt takes aim at the collective action problems that keep us feeling trapped, offering next steps for governments and tech companies, schools, and parents. He has no shortage of ideas to offer, which is good, because this section feels like a hopeful lift after the heavy chapters before. There are four norms that he really wants to drive home and see widely adopted: 

• No smartphones before high school

• No social media before 16

• No phones in schools

• More free, independent play

This is where I’d love to land for a bit today. From reading The Anxious Generation and following Jon’s work for many years—as well as simply observing the world around me, and connecting the dots from my own childhood—I heartily agree with him and would love to see these four norms become, well, norms. While collective action will make these norms easier to adopt, most of them still start with each of us making individual choices.

So, I’m curious: which one feels the most challenging to you? Here’s where I land...

No smartphones before high school

From where I sit now (our children are 8, 5, and 2), this feels like a no-brainer.

John’s and my current thinking is that our kids will get a smartphone when they begin driving, but I’m open to it being later (this piece from

Be ScreenStrong

is certainly convincing). While the internet loves to roll its eyes at young parents who make bold declarations about their high schoolers, I know myself, our family culture, and how strongly my convictions are held. The decision of when to give a smartphone is firmly within our control, and so it feels easier to stick to. Plus, from watches to flip phones to light phones, there are now many excellent non-smartphone options to reach for instead.

As a side note, I so appreciate that Haidt is willing to actually name a number, as so few experts are. While it’s true that 15.75 is likely not noticeably different from 16, and that individual circumstances might warrant different decisions between families, the lack of specific advice leaves parents at the mercy of those around them and up against the limit of their own willpower. Being able to turn to trusted recommendations is so helpful when trying to resist peer pressure.

No social media before 16

From the dispassionate-and-yet-often-insidious algorithm, to attention fragmentation, bruising comparison, relational aggression, the risks of making irrevocable decisions with long-lasting consequences, the push toward oversexualization, the potential for predation, and more, we plan to delay social media far into high school—and we’ll readily explain to our kids why we’re doing so.

If our kids are interested in using it, my current thinking is that we’d introduce it to them sometime during senior year, while they’re still under our roof but hopefully far along in the maturation process and confident in their relationships, identity, and worth.

No phones in schools

Spoiler alert: this one feels the hardest to me, since it’s largely out of my control. Sure, I can hold off on giving my own child a smartphone, but if everyone else has one and the school doesn’t enforce their policies on use during the day, then that feels challenging.

However, we’re not without hope :) While we’re still a few years off from middle school, I plan to open up conversations with our school soon and have already looked into its current policies. Jon has some great resources on The Anxious Generation’s site to help you get this conversation started. More about this on TCF soon!

More free, independent play

Yes! For me, this is the necessary companion to delaying smartphones and social media. If we’re going to withhold these objects of desire, we as parents need to step up and intentionally prioritize and facilitate time outside, greater independence and responsibility, participation in loving and tight-knit communities, and more opportunities to engage in the “real world” for our kids.

Allowing my kids to experience greater risk and independence over time does not always come naturally to me (as I’m sure it doesn’t to many parents!). But from Jon’s work and my own experience, I am absolutely convinced of its worth–and so it’s something John and I actively plan for.

---

The Anxious Generation presents the most comprehensive, data-backed, and of-the-moment argument for rolling back the phone-based childhood (and reinstating the play-based childhood) that I’ve seen. To me, Jon Haidt is a public servant and hero, and I believe we will look back in decades to come and see him as the vanguard of a needed and overdue change. Just like smoking used to be common and accepted—but now is seen as a fringe, harmful behavior—I believe smartphones and social media for kids and teens will eventually be seen the same way, and that this book can be the spark that sets the fire of change blazing.

Is the data airtight? I’m not a social scientist or statistician and so can’t say for sure—but it certainly seems convincing, and I suppose this is where the science ends and common sense begins, for me.

As a parent, it seems beyond obvious that raising my kids without smart phones or social media, but with rich, embodied real world experiences in nature, with friends and family, creating with their hands, moving their bodies—and shielding them from the dispassionate influence of the algorithm in favor of the influence of real people who know them and love them—is the better choice. 

I'm grateful I don't need to wait for conclusive evidence to act. And I'm so grateful for Jon's book and the conversations I've seen it spark amongst people in my community who previously didn't feel delaying smartphones or social media was possible. It will make walking this road easier for all of us.

Needless to say, I highly recommend this book to parents, grandparents, educators, and everyone who cares about future generations! I’d love to give away a copy—just leave a comment sharing your thoughts on the four norms (which one feels the easiest? The hardest?) or a takeaway from the book, if you’ve already read it. I’ll choose a winner next Thursday, May 9th!

---

Would you consider sharing this newsletter?

Almost 100% of my newsletter growth comes from recommendations from readers. Chances are that if you made it this far, you care about kids and technology and know others who would enjoy The Connected Family. Taking just a few moments to forward to a friend or share on Instagram/Notes/your mom-friends text chain can make a huge difference. Thank you! ❤️