Does home size affect family culture and connection?

Let's discuss, plus my thoughts on our next home.

In the U.S., the average single family home built in 1949 was less than 1,000 square feet. These days, it’s about 2,500 square feet. Our family currently resides in 2,200 square feet, and it’s a topic of much discussion in our house.

It seems we are not alone. When I took to Instagram Stories a few weeks ago to solicit your thoughts on home size and its impact on family connection, you all sent me more than 50 messages in response — more replies than I’ve received on any other topic, ever. So today, we’re going to dive into it together: I’ll share a bit more about my thoughts as it relates to our family and what we’re looking for in a new home — as well as some of the responses I received — and I’d love to hear from you, too.

A little bit of history: when John and I bought our home in 2013, we considered it a starter home. This was less because of the size of the house (it has four bedrooms!) and more because of the size of the lot (tiny) and the rooms our layout does not include (a dining room, for example). Sometime after having kids, we figured we’d move to a neighborhood with more room to roam outside and more room to spread out inside.

Yet here we are, 12 years later. While we have discussed moving many times, and have looked at several houses over the years, nothing has yet convinced us we’d be better off elsewhere. So what, exactly, are we looking for? What would we hope to improve in a next home that our current home lacks? I’ve had plenty of time to think about it, and here’s what rises to the top.

A space where our family can be together-but-separate.

Our current home’s first floor is essentially one big room: the kitchen, dining area, and living area stretch from the front of the house to the back in an unbroken line. While this was helpful in some ways with really little kids (easy lines of sight while I was cooking dinner and they were playing, for example), I think a more divided (but still connected!) space will be a better fit as they age.

(An open layout has also had its challenges with little kids: namely, lots of noise and lots of mess visible from every vantage point.)

My dream for our next home is to have a “study” off the main area, perhaps with French doors. Inside, we could have bookshelves, cozy chairs for reading, a small table for puzzles or games, a piano, and maybe a desk and desktop computer for doing homework as we age into middle school. Double glass doors would make this a space that could be closed off for quieter pursuits or opened as we keep an eye on homework.

I also think a space like this (doesn’t it sound dreamy?!) would communicate something about what we value as a family — that we think books and music and games are worthy of dedicated space in our home. While of course we read and play already, these pursuits are often in less-than-ideal surroundings or relegated to personal spaces like bedrooms.

A dining room

Yes, a dining room! I know some of you might cringe at this one, but as someone who hosts a group of 12 for a sit-down dinner every other month and would like to host more often (church gatherings, dinners with a few other families, casual parties, family meals at holidays, etc.) a dining room would really come in handy. No, it is not a requirement for being hospitable — but over the last many years, the layout of our home has kept us from hosting in the ways I’d like to. With only one main room, we simply have no flow. Guests can’t circulate, it’s hard to mingle, there’s no way to divide kids from grown-ups, and things get really loud when you pack in more than ten people.

I love to host, and I do it often — in a fashion. In the last few years, I’ve hosted a baby shower, two book swaps, a kindergarten breakfast, a chocolate chip cookie party, and a fourth birthday party. All of them, however, have been held at public venues or generous friends’ homes. I am grateful to my friends who have been willing to co-host with me, and actually think this sort of forced interdependence is healthy and good given today’s trends towards isolation — but I want to take my turn, too.

For me, a dining room is not about the stuffy hosting of yore but about generous hosting: it would give us the space for bigger groups to be seated comfortably and for parties to flow. And in between gatherings, it would allow us to spread out multi-day craft projects and puzzles without the deadline of dinner each night.

A playroom or bonus room with a door

We have an open area on our second floor that currently functions as a playroom (and one day, might function as a teen hangout). I’d love a similar space in a next home, but this time with a door. That way, it could more easily transform into a guest room the few weeks a year we need one. It can often feel like the everyday needs of my immediate family are in conflict with the occasional needs of my extended family, and the simple addition of one door feels like it could be a good compromise.

That’s the big three. Are there other things we’d love to have? Of course! I’d love a slightly-bigger pantry and a slightly-bigger master closet. I’d love a bigger yard that backs up to woods and is on a cul-de-sac. I’d love a mudroom or mud-hallway. I’d love a flat driveway. I’d love a nook for John’s office. I’d love cozy window seats and interesting angles in the roofline and enough room for a sectional so that I can cuddle with multiple children during movie night.

I don’t think we need too many more square feet to meet these desires — and that’s good, because I’m leery of losing the physical closeness and the relative ease of cleaning and maintenance we value were our house to jump up dramatically in size. Especially as our children grow into teenagers and naturally look to individuate from the family, I’d prefer our home’s layout and size encourage us toward community rather than beckon us to retreat into isolation.

And where we live is a significant influence on the life of our family! Our homes — their size, their shape — can either support or frustrate our desires for family connection. I want our kids to learn the tolerance, compromise, and self-denial that comes from living in a shared space — and, hopefully, enjoy everyday camaraderie now and strong bonds for the rest of their lives because of it. I don’t want to upgrade us out of the getting-in-each-other’s-way stuff that families should do.

On Instagram, I presented my thesis — that a bigger home, beyond a certain point, reduces connection, while a smaller home, until a certain point, increases it — but your thoughtful replies reminded me that there are SO many other factors that can enhance or detract from connection, culture, and general quality of life when it comes to our homes. Let’s take a peek.

Finances

Whether you locked in a low interest rate or purchase price or are trying to keep expenses low for another reason, the financial implications of which house to buy and whether to move or stay put are important factors. A home might be smaller than you’d prefer but give you the room in your budget to work fewer hours, take a less stressful job, or work from home — all choices that can have an impact on family culture and connection. This is true for Ella: '“My family of five lives in 1,400 square feet and we are quite happy with this! It’s affordable and makes sense for us, even though my husband’s parents don’t understand why we chose such a small place.”

Commute time

Family culture and connection are hard to grow without time together — and if that time is eaten up by a long commute, the perfect house at the other end might not make much of a difference. “We live in a smallish (1700 sq ft) house with our eight- and three-year-old and I’m always told we’ll want more space as they get older but I love our setup,” says Abigail. “We traded a smaller house for a shorter commute which gives us more time with each other (instead of a bigger house farther out from our jobs).”

Proximity to loved ones

Living near family (or dear friends) can bolster culture and connection in many ways: it might allow you to share some of the caregiving burden, giving you more creative or logistical bandwidth as you lead your family, or it might allow your traditions and culture to be shared and reinforced by loved ones outside the family unit.

“We moved last year to a house that is twice the size of our first house — 1,900 sq ft to just over 4,000 sq ft,” says Hope. “We renovated and turned a large garage into our home because it’s on property next to my mother-in-law. We couldn’t pass up the opportunity of being her neighbor. It doesn’t get better than my 4 year old being able to walk up to grandma’s house to play in the afternoon.”

Kendra found herself in a bit of the opposite situation for the same reason: “We built a house on my parents’ property so we could be close to them and then had our fourth child. We had originally planned to build a bit larger but ended up with a smaller home to make sure we could afford it.”

Neighborhood vibe

Many readers noted that location and community are more important to them than square footage.

“We have a family of five, including three rowdy boys, in 1,460 square feet,” says Taryn. “It was always our ‘starter home’ that we’ve just never left, and I’m really feeling the itch for more space, especially for our oldest to escape when he wants calm and quiet for his many hobbies! I think a lot of our squabbles (and overstimulation, for me) would be avoided if we just had more room to spread out. More square footage would give us a playroom, which would bring more calm and cleanliness to our household, too. But also, the kids won’t be young and loud forever. And we LOVE our neighbors and community, and as the kids get older it’s so much harder to leave. I’m torn!”

Brittany agrees: “In my experience, smaller homes have been a forcing mechanism for more thoughtful consumption, and more participation and support of local community spaces. We live central in Oxford in 1,700 sf. We are almost always out of the house! We run around in our local park and playground, have birthday parties at the local village hall, take full advantage of being very central to a lot of activities in the city.”

This hits close to home, because if John and I were willing to leave our neighborhood, we could have found a house that meets our wish list years ago. However, the location and distinct personality of where we live have made it so that we’d rather wait (perhaps years) for something to come along in our neighborhood instead of moving to a dream house in another part of town.

The climate where you live

Whether you live somewhere that’s balmy year-round, and indoor-outdoor living is easy, or cold weather makes it harder to get outside, climate can play a role in what size home feels right. “We live in the Midwest where we get snowed in several times a year and having space to spread out is everything!” says C. “I’m happy to have more space when we’re trapped inside for snow days and sickness.”

Where you allow technology in the home

And now we come to a distinctly TCF factor :) “I was really worried about drifting into isolation when we moved into an over 4000 square-foot home with our two teen daughters, but it has not impacted it at all,” says Shay. “I think that’s because of a lot of very specific decisions we’ve made like no TVs or technology in bedrooms.”

No matter the size or shape of your home, carefully considering where and how you’ll use technology will play an outsize role in how you live in it.

The layout of the home

In the end, this was the overwhelming response: the layout of a home matters much more than the square footage. A few perspectives along this line:

“In terms of connection, I think the layout of the house matters MUCH more than the size. We have a 2,800 sq ft 3/2 ranch house that we’ve lived in for eight years. We have three boys so two share and they are always playing musical bedrooms. Our house isn’t open concept but it flows so nicely that we can host large gatherings without feeling cramped — Christmas parties with 50ish friends!” — Caitlin

“My opinion is it’s less about square feet of the home and more about how the home is laid out. Some homes may naturally have larger rooms (great for hosting!) but still an ideal layout for encouraging family time. For example, our playroom is on the main level, off of our living room. Even if our kids are playing in the playroom, they are nearby and not on another level far away. They can easily walk into the living room or kitchen where we are and interact with us. In addition, I have a better sense of what they play and talk about when their friends are visiting.” — Katherine

“We moved from 1900 sq ft to 2500 sq ft and are about to add a 500 sq ft bonus room. In theory, a big yes to smaller houses being more connection! In practice, as our kids grow and have friends around more, we see a need for more than one central gathering space and I prefer that not to be bedrooms.” — Rachel

“I think it all depends on layout. As our kids get older, we want a little larger home —but only for the right layout. Our main goal is a house large enough for my husband to have his own office space (he works fully remote) and at minimum two living spaces, ideally three (living room, den, basement, screened porch, sunroom, any combo of those). We had three spaces like that in my (small) house growing up and as a teenager with a lot of friends over, it seemed like the best for friendships to blossom and close enough we were never too far from our parents.” — Ginna

Ultimately, this is what it comes down to for us, too. We looked at a 4,000 square foot home in our neighborhood last spring, and though it had plenty of space, the way it was allocated was all wrong: most of the square footage was in a basement and third floor, with no more common gathering space on the main level than in our current home. A good reminder than numbers, whether big or small, only tell part of the story!

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Here’s another good reminder as we close out: no home — no matter how perfect the layout or how ideal the size — is a guarantee of an impactful family culture or loving family bond. Kids want us and our time far more than they need space or things. Joy, connection, purpose, and fun can be found in homes of all shapes and sizes. I hope you find that as encouraging as I do, as I sit here typing to you in my open concept kitchen-dining-office-living-room :)

Okay, over to you! I know you all have much to say on this topic, and though I tried to include many perspectives here, these quotes are just the tip of the iceberg! So please, chime in with your thoughts and experiences. I can’t wait to hear!

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